HogwartsParody style
by idonrlycarenemore
Summary: Overly cliched stories, 0 stars. Parodies of cliches, 5 stars. Come laugh your head offs at the collections of how NOT to write a Hary Poter FannFik. Rated M for all the stuff you wish you didn't have to read!
1. Hard and Sexy

a/n-I was reading _the most retarded_ dHr ever! It sucked so bad, I decided that instead of writing a flame, that I would write a cliche! So here's downright retarded!

Chapter 1

Hard and Sexy

BEGIN SCENE

Draco Malfoy walks down the windy alley, (here tumbleweed blows and cowboy music plays).

He is dressed in tight leather pants, disobeying the extreme laws of masculinity put down by society, oh so cruelly, but he can't resist because...

HE HAS A PENIS!

Fans cheer loudly.

As he walks, the scene changes, from sexydracomalfoy, to sexyhermionegranger, who has on virtually... NOTHING!

And would not be accepted at even a hooker society!

Here we see her, lounging outside the Hylton (nobody ask me why there's a Hylton in London), in the perfect position we always see whores in magazines in!

And now, the scene changes, and she's on...the train! Surprise surprise!

Then she goes on the train!

And miraculously, there's still a Hogwarts, with no regard to what happened in the sixth book!

And, even more miraculously, she's head-girl! I wonder why they never mentioned that before she went to school!

But sadly, she now has to live with Draco Malfoy, that whiny, stuck-up Slytherin, who is only classified as a guy because he HAS A PENIS!

But then, he comes forward, with blonde hair, pool grey eyes and a _smirk_!

Someone tell me why he's so happy!

Instinctively, he then turns away, to start pushing Pansy up against a wall!

And then Hermione meets Harry and Ron!

Harry is now obi-wan-kenobi, and Ron is an ugly little sleaze!

'Hi guys!'

Harry bows, his hands clasped together, because now he is not only obi-wan kenobi, but _holy_ obi-wan kenobi!

Oh, I'm baaaaddd.

And Ron, is completely distracted by her F cups, which are bouncing about gloriously on her chest, which is even a wonder she can move them because of her tight clothes!

And the author (me, anya) is too idle to say that she is wearing muggle clothes on the train!

_How dare she_!

'Hermione--we want youuuuuu.' Ron chants.

'Well, OK, but just this once.' She says, being a whore, she snogs Ron, and immediately makes Malfoy...

dun dun dun...

_jealous_!

Then he runs up to her.

'Hey, who said you coulddo it withRon instead of me!'

'Do it with---'

'It's an American expression that means to have sex!'

'Why are you using it?' Asked Hermione, confused with her I.Q. of less that her age.

'Because it attracts American readers, cleverly getting our sexy author at least 3 reviews!'

Anya-hint, hint.

Hermione: 'Ohhhh!'

'So anyways, ready to shag?'

'Define shag...'

'Rip off your clothes, and let me get at you!'

'Oh sure! But let me just adjust my stomach so its now 16 inches small, and my stick straight hair even stick straighter!'

(five minute session elapses)

'Done!' Giggled Hermione.

'Let's go!' Draco giggled, again ruining his masculinity.

a/n

Here fans begin to wonder if he's bisexual.

Think, think, think...

Brain Blast!

No, it's cool for guys to be gay!

Haha.

End Session!

More later my beautiful readers!

P.s., if i get a review i will continue, definitely!

Should each chappie be a oneshot?

REVIEW AND TELL ME!


	2. Poor Draco, Poor Hermione

Possibilty 2

Thanks to those who reviewed! Ahem, answers:

_Aussie Trebs_  
_2005-12-13  
ch 1, __reply_ _ha ha i always read those crappy little DHr stories cos they r always good for a laugh, especially when the author thinks they actually good and people like them! ha ha good job, i commend you. put each chap as a one-shot if ya like, up ta u_

_I think I'll do 2 possibilities per thing that happens, and I'll write like 4 things that happen. This one story I read, it was so cliched it was awful, and 1651 people reviewed it! And they were all good! Weird, eh? _

**Liberalis**  
**2005-12-13  
ch 1, ****reply** **Lots a plot lines, not exactly sure where your going with this story, but it al sounds interesting, keep it up.**

**Thanks, it's supposed to be weird and pointless! I might have to up the rating a little bit though, I'm going 2 M it, Ok?**

**Anyway, Here's possibility 2!**

Possibilty 2

Poor Hermione/Poor Draco

The scene starts, with Hermione, boobs small as an elephant, stomach large as a fingernail, and hair thick as a pool of urinated diarreah.

She is crying (no surprise there) and feeling sorry for herself.

Enters Malfoy, also looking sad and puppy-dog-ish.

'Boo-hoo-hoo!' She cries softly.

Malfoy does not move.

'_Boo hoo hoo_!' She cries louder.

'**Boo hoo hoo**!'

'**_BOO HOO HOO_**!'

No answer.

'BOO FUCKING HOO! NOW ANSWER ME BEFORE I KICK YOUR ASS TO CHINA!' She yelled, tears and modesty forgotten.

'Oh right, my line now? K, granger, what is wrong?'

'Oh M-m-malfoy, my (insert name of relative, cat or fluffy stuffed animal) tries to (insert rape, abuse or torture with cream) me every night, why I lie waiting helplessly along the sidelines!' She sobs, into his shoulder.

'What a coincidence! My (insert father, Aunt Bellatrix, Voldemort or 1970's television set) tortures me every night!'

'We have so much in common, my love! Let's go off into the sunset together, and have lots of little overly-cliched Dramiones!'

Draco clutches Hermione, and they gallop off into the sunset, no mention of where they were & how they got there.

And then, the scene changes, to them in America, naming their daughter Muffy and their son Buffy, and they are featured on Witch Weekly every day at noon!

GO WATCH IT NOW!

(a/n, this is a possibility 2 of their first meeting. Like it? review review review!)


	3. Hermione Malfoy

Chapter 3

a/n-KK, in this chappie, for some reason, Hermione is twisted into marrying Malfoy! Here is possibility 1

Hermione Malfoy

Oh. My. Fucking. God!

Like, OK, enter room, here we see Hermione, crying her eyes out (No surprise there)! And then Harry walks up to her!

'Hermione. I have come to help you.' He says.

'WHA-HA-HA! BOOHOOHOO! Harry, I have to Marry Malfoy!' She bawls.

'Whatever, use the force and all that, daahhhhhling.' Harry says, patting her shoulder.

Ron walked up to her.

'OH RON! I HAVE TO MARRY MALFOY!' She yells.

'Oh _really now_? Great, then can you suck my balls after?' He asks.

'Maybe.' She says.

'Great. Catch you later babez.' Says Ron, walking off, gangsta-style.

'Oh _what _shall I do!'

hermione then quits school to live with Malfoy.

'OK. Coupla ground rules Granger.

1. You're ahb-viously not Granger anymore, so I'm calling you Pinkie.

2. If you come into my bedroom while I'm changing...satisfy yourself.

3. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

4. In case you haven't noticed, I LOATHE THESE ARRANGEMENTS!

5. Okay, dahhhling, your turn.

Hermione looks up, rolls her eyes, and takes a seat.

'Now bend over so I can goggle down your top.' He said.

Hermione leaned over, in resignation.

She had to, because, DUN DUN DUN!

They were MARRIED!

* * *

That one obviously sucked ass. Has any1 else but me realized that Malfoy is gay? Oh you haven't? Meh. Leave me alone.

Read and Review, as always!

pyre-moi  
2005-12-14  
ch 2, reply 

This is such a poorly done parody, by far the worst that I have read on this site. Although you do have a few clever things here and there, it looked like you wrote these fics in 3 minutes. I'm sorry if I come off a bit too harsh, but you definitely need to clean up a alot or get a beta. Most of all your parody comes off as a cliché of bad parodies, if this is what you wanted. Mission accomplished.

About the fics in 3 minutesYOU HAVE REAL TALENT! THANK YOU, I DID!

Betas. Hmm, nice idea. 'cliché of bad parodies,' that's a laugh? Or is it...?

mrs sexxidracomalfoy  
2005-12-21  
ch 2, reply anya wat r u smokin dat was sum funny stuff ill try read the others...lata  
vix  
xo

I think, last time I checked, it was weed. Or it could be heroin. I need a doctor.

* * *

LOLING! REVIEW! 


	4. Poor, Poor Potter

A/N-Not really a cliche, just so damn funny (another clip of my genius) that I had to post it. Oh yeah...This stories are NOT beta-ed. So any mistakes are, yours truly. Um, in this one, it's actually supposed to be entitled

**Yet Another Reason Why Severus Snape is a Git and Wants Harry Potter to Die** (but of course, the damned thing won't fit, so for now its Poor, Poor Potter)

"What the hell are you looking at?' Severus Snape grumbled, holding the hideous sight by the diaper, not even noticing the stench.

'Goo-ah!' Baby Harry giggled happily, before proceeding to spit up all over Snape's brand new (not greasy, thank Merlin) Italian shoes.

'Damn you.' Severus sneered even more angrily.

_Don't be such a Mr. Grumpy-Pants_!

Severus held the baby even farther away from him.

'I'm not being a Mr. Grumpy-pants, you little shit.'

_Uh-uh-uh, cursing Mr. Happeldey Bubblegum!_

'I'm not Mr. Happeldey Bubblegum either. Frog-spawn.' Snape extended his arm as far as it could go. 'Why the bloody hell must I be forced, I _Severus Snape, the Half-Blood Prince_, to look after this god-awful baby? Oh _why _did James Potter save my life! Why, oh why must I be indebted to him! Kill me now!'

Rip

'Oh Shit.'

Severus looked at his hand in astonishment, a sadly torn baby diaper hanging from his finger.

So much for anyone's chance of breaking the Dark Lord.

'He fucked up my shoes. The bitch had to die.' Snape said adamantly, bracing himself for James' reaction.

He hoped he wouldn't get too mad.

Merlin knows he couldn't use another Cruciatus curse.

He might have to get a new pair of shoes.

And that would suck.

Really.


End file.
